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Archive for August, 2001

money matters…

Friday, August 31st, 2001

Now going to England to study is not going to be cheap. Because I am a senior I have to take a few very specific classes. So, I had to do a lot of shopping around to find a program where I could take these classes. I decided on the Engineering & Computer Science in London offered by the L.C. Smith College of Engineering & Computer Science of Syracuse University ( Interesting since that is where one of my best friends J——-, who will be in Oxford next year, is from. isn’t that a neet coincidence? ) The program is run by the City University in the heart of London.

One of the advantages of this program was that my school’s ( George Mason University ) Center for Global Education has a deal with Syracuse so that I do not have to worry about transfer of credits, and I even get a discount on the program fees. However, there program is not cheap; I have to pay Syracuse Tuition which is $20,866, plus the program fee of $2,000 or so, which brings my total tuition to a total of $24,100! Add to that living expenses ( it only covers 1 meal a day ) and travel, and special insurance for over seas, etc, etc, etc… and it all added up to a grand total of $32,000+ dollars in my calculations!

I don’t have that kind of money!

So, I went to Financial Aid, they told me that since I was only 22 as of January 1, 2001 I was only ellegable for a maximum government loan of $5,500 in my name. So I got this and applied for a Sallie Mae loan for the rest but Financial Aid has to sign off on that based on your ?estimated cost of education,? a number they come up with. The number for my education cost estimate came from a letter from Syracuse which stated that my tuition was $24,100, not taking in to account any other cost. So I currently have a Federal Government subsidized loan for $5,500 and a Sallie Mae loan for $18,600, ( total = $24,1000 ), leaving me about $8,000 from my goal. My mother applied for a PLUS load, from the government but the approval for that comes from George Mason, and since you cannot borrow more than the ?estimated cost of education? less other loans, they denied the loan. To make a long story short I spent all day today on the phone with George Mason, and Syracuse trying to prove to someone I needed more money! After 6 hours of phone tag and holding and being transfered I finally got ahold of someone at Syracuse who had a cost brake down form that Syracuse students get. It said that the total estimated cost of the program, including everything was $37,540!!!!!!

Anyway I got this for faxed to the Office of Financal Aid at GMU and they are going to reevaluate my need, and load request. I leave for England in 23 days, well see how long it takes them to get all this done and whether or not I will be able to eat more than the one meal a day that the $24.100 covers at City….

nobody loves me….

Wednesday, August 29th, 2001

Well I sent an e-mail to all my friends the other day inviting them to read and comment on this journal and to participate in the forum on my website but as of yet the losers have not bothered, and I know it’s not because they don’t have an internet connection, they just went back to college. So far the only people who have looked at my website are my girlfriend, my manger at work, and another friend from work.

Anyway, not much happening in my life, 25 days till I leave for London, C—— is going to meet me in Paris the 28th of Sept for the weekend, I am very happy about that. I have most of my stuff ready to go, I am really excited. I was thinking that if I like it enough, I might try to stay and go to Oxford for my masters/doctorate when I finish my batchlers next year.

Ok, got to get back to work now…

(p.s. I am not really mad at my friends, I understand they are busy, I just hope that they will find the time to participate in my life through the web page and journal since I will be 4000 miles away soon, and I cannot afford to call them. )

t—– part IV

Monday, August 27th, 2001

The next day I went to see T—– at work to find out what was going on. It took me all day to work up the courage to go, but around 7 PM I finally went to her work. When I got there I went inside and asked her if we could talk, she said yes and came outside. When she got outside she pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket. That’s when I knew it was all over.

Anyone who knows me can tell you what I think of smoking; it’s FUCKING disgusting. That’s all it is, FUCKING DISGUSTING! And Teresa had not smoked in almost two years, since we had started to date because of my thoughts on it. Now she lit a cigarette right in front of me and began to smoke like she had never quit. I did not know what to say.

Over the next hour or so I begged and pleaded to know what I had done wrong and why she was leaving me… all I got out of her was apologies and ‘I love someone else’ over and over again. She said that she wanted to get the rest of her stuff from the house, and she would get the lease changed so it was just in her name… etc, etc, etc.

It was the worst day of my life… I left her and cried all night, I new I would never see M—— again. That the past two years of my life where meaningless, that I had to start over. Anyway the next afternoon my mother and I went to see T—– at work, we went to get the house keys from her and to set up a time for her to come to the house and get her stuff. I could not go in, so my mother went in to talk to her… I owe my mother so much….

So the next day I was at home at the appointed time, I don’t know why I let her come when I was there, I should have made her come some other time. But when she showed up she had J— with her. I did not know what to do, I was so mad that I told her I wanted the portable CD player out of her car. She said no. I told her she could not have any of her stuff unless she gave it to me. She told me to give her the in dash CD player in my car then. I said no I wanted my portable, and she had gotten me the in dash for my birthday so they where both mine. I did it all out of spite, I really did not care, but it had the desired effect, a little too well.

T—– got pissed, she was so mad she attacked me, she punched me and tried to get in the house by force I fought back pushing her away and she tore my shirt off my back and J— had to grab her and hold her back while she screamed and tried to kick me. I was crying as I screamed back at her: “Get the fuck off my property before I call the police you bitch! Get the fuck out of here…”

J— pulled her away an put her in his jeep and they left. A few minuted latter while I was still crying from the shock of being so mad, and feeling like shit the phone rang. When I sobbed out hello it was J— , he said that he was sorry and that he wished it was not like this, but asked if there was a time when he could bring T—– out to get her stuff while I was not there. I could hear her screaming profanities at me in the background. I told him that in a few hours my younger sister would be home form school and I would leave for a few hours. Then they could come and get all her shit, and get it the hell out of my house. He said thank you, and that they would be there around 4 o’clock.

At 3:30 I got in my car an left, I really did not know where I was going to go, I just got behind the wheel and drove… I ended up four hours away in Blacksburg at my older sister’s dorm at Virginia Tech. I spent a few hours there, just to get my mind off of things, we went to dinner and then walked around the mall.

When I got home I had nothing… T—– had taken it all, all the stuff was gone, everything! I was so lost I got back in my car and went to a friends apartment for the night. I did not come home for a week.

During that week I just kind moped around my friend M-‘s apartment. I went to work one day to get my mind off everything, and O— another friend who worked with me asked what was up. When I told him that T—– had left me he said he knew. He had seen her the Saturday before it all
happened at a Subway and she told him she had left me. And that night I went to get dinner and when I tried to pay with my ATM card it was rejected, T—– had cleaned out my accounts.

Soon after that I was with some new friends and M- renting a movie at Blockbuster and when we got in our car to leave we saw T—– and J— waiting around the corner of the building, waiting for us to leave. That was the last time I saw T—–. When I went to the apartment a week later to confront her about everything she had taken I found out that she had bought out the lease and moved, I had not idea where.

Over the next few months things got worse. T—– stop paying on the bedroom set my mother had consigned for so I had to pay for a bed I never slept in. And then I got a notice in the mail that the license on T—–‘s car had lapsed with no insurance and since my name and address where on the registration I was liable for the $500 uninsured motorist fee and the licensing fees if I did not return the license within 30 days. I had to go to court to have my name taken off the registration so I would not be liable, it was a nightmare. To make matters worse during the months after T—–
disappeared I had gotten myself into a situation that would spiral out of control, destroying two more years of my life and leading me into another heartbreaking fiasco; and in the end putting an end to my life in Charlottesville… but that is a story for another time.

using livejournals stuff now.

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001

I am now using livejournal as my journal keeping device. This allows you all to post comments to the entries I make. Unfortunately when you click to read or comment on an entry you are taken to livejounal’s site, they say that they are working on this so I can embed that here too but the feature is not done yet. So if you post a reply you will be on livejournal, so just come back when you are done.

tomatos as office food.

Tuesday, August 21st, 2001

Ok, so I get to work this morning and as I walk through the kitchen which divides our offices in half what to my wondering eyes should I see? A pile of tomatoes on the counter complete with a little post-it note that said “help yourself.” Staring down at this offense to office food I said at the top of my lungs;

“Most people bring donuts or cookies, a few people bring fresh cantaloupe or pineapple, [that would be Janet :) ] but who the hell brings TOMATOES?”

The only reply I got was a few chuckles from nearby offices. So I continued on my way to my office in disgust dreaming about donuts and cookies, or even cantaloupe and pineapple.

syracuse trip

Monday, August 20th, 2001

And now a short aside. C—— and myself went to Syracuse this weekend to see J——- and it was amazing! We went to the Sterling Renfest, I have a role of film which I need to get processed, maybe I will post some of them. I was “forced” into volunteering in one of the shows “Daniel Duke of Danger.” The forcing came in because I was sitting in the crowd and he said he needed some “volunteers” for one of his tricks… then C—— sitting beside me tried to raise my arm. I tightened the muscles in my arm and kept it down and I turned to C—— and said “Nooooo!” I think that was my downfall. Daniel walked right up to me, passing by most of the guys squirming in their seats and said

“Pardon me Madame, but do you know this young man?”

“Yes, yes I do.” C—— managed to say while miserably failing to suppressing her giggles at my misfortune.

“Is he reliable?

“He most defiantly is!” She smiled, now utterly pleased with her work, putting me in the situation I hate most; public humiliation… people will be looking at me!

“And what is your name sir?” Daniel asked as he turned to me for the first time, pulling me up from the bench.

“Brian…”

Daniel decided that Brian was not a “reliable” enough name and that he preferred “Spike” so that?s what he was going to call me. Then he lead me down to the stage where the two other “lucky” guys where waiting.

The stunt that Daniel was performing was a balancing feat; first he had a platform set up which stood about four feet above the ground, on top of this was placed a five inch diameter lead pipe, and atop that another pipe perpendicular to the first. The job of the other two “volunteers” was to hold a board, one foot deep and about three feet wide, stable atop this precarious tower. When Daniel and I got to the stage he directed me to stand with my back to the crowd facing the surf board and he climbed atop the platform facing the crowd. Then he looked down at me and said:

“Ok Spike, I need you to hold your arms in the air and make two fists.”

So I lifted my fist into the air, imitating his stance, something like holding a dumbbells over your head, only I felt like the dumbbell since my hands where empty and I could feel the stares of the crowd burning my back.

“Now I need ya to yell at the top of your lungs, ‘I believe'” Daniel said as he tossed his head back and still holding his hands back, looking like a Southern Baptist at a revival.

“I don’t believe.” I replied in a rather dull voice.

Looking down at me Daniel said “C’mon Spike work with me here.”

So I tossed my head back and joined the revival: “I believe!”

Then Daniel climbed atop the surf board using my fist as hand hold to keep balance. Once he was atop his tower he dismissed the other two helpers. They left leaving me alone on stage with the nut, and by back still to the crowd.

“I love ya spike. At least right now, till I don’t need you any more.”

“Typical man.”

“Now is not the time to hold a conversation with the acrobat. When I let go of your fist I want you to take two big steps to your right and wait.”

“Ok.”

After I step away and Daniel stood strait on his tower and told a few jokes, I had to be the human hand hold again so he could get down. He bowed and as he sent me off he said to the crowd, “Ladies and Gents, I give you Spike!” So I waved and walked off to the side of the stage to C—— who had been happily snapping pictures of my ordeal all along. She hugged me with a grin from ear to ear as Daniel said; “May all your children be born naked!” the crowd laughed, and I began to plan various way to extract my revenge on C——. But of course one kiss from her and a “Your so cool, so handsome,” and I forgot all about trying to embarrass her, I really am quite cheap.

t—– part III

Thursday, August 16th, 2001

Thinking about everything while I drove out to T—–‘s grandmother’s house that day, I began to realize that things where falling apart. I could hear in T—–‘s voice a cold, dull sound, kind of like the empty metallic echo of an oil drum. I don’t quite know what it was that made me realize it but I somehow new it was over. After I picked up M—— it all hit me. Hard. Seeing him sit in the car, a week from his third birthday and knowing somewhere deep inside that I would not see his forth birthday I lost it. I was crying by the time I got to the Papa Johns where T—– worked. As I parked the car in front of the store and turned the engine off I looked at M—— and just shook my head. M—— unbuckled his seat belt and crawled onto my lap and brushing one of my tears away said:

“Ouchy? Dada, ouchy”

“No, I’m ok,” I replied, “go inside and see your Mom, I have to go to work… I’ll see you later”

With this I opened the door and let M—— out, I watched him go up to the door and struggle to get it open. Inside he climbed up into a chair and pressed his face up to the glass and as he waved to me I backed the car out of the parking space and drove out of M——‘s life. I never saw him again.

t—– part II

Saturday, August 11th, 2001

At the time I did not think too much about this phone call because, T—– was working very long days since she was concerned that we would not have enough money to move in to our apartment. About this time we had begun to buy furniture for the apartment and that morning, after taking M—— to T—–‘s grandmother’s, I went to arrange delivery of the bedroom set we where buying. My mother was co-signing for us since the set cost about a grand, and that is something I would come to regret later, but was thankful for at the time.

Over the next few weeks I did not see T—– much, there where a few nights she called and said she was going to crash at J—‘s. I brushed this off because J— usually worked the evening shift with T—–, and his car was broken down so she was driving him to and from work. Other days I worked day time and she worked nights, so the only time we saw each other was between when she got home early in the morning and I left for work a little while later. Everything came to a head on December fourth.

December fourth was a Monday, and over the past two day T—– had been moving the last of her things out of her grandmothers house and into the apartment. Most of the stuff we had purchased together and my things where still at my house. Because the bedroom set was not scheduled to be delivered till the fourth I was staying at my house and T—– and M—— where staying at her grandmothers. That morning she called me and asked if I could pick M—— and bring him to her at work around four because she was getting off at five and I had to be at work at five. I said yes, and I would see her at four-ish.

T—–

Friday, August 10th, 2001

Back to T—–. Some time in mid November at 2 in the morning I awoke to the phone in my room.

“Hello…”

“Brian? I have like 2 more hours of work to do, then I am going to take J— home, and I am about to die for sleep. I may sleep on his couch for a while before I come home.”

“Um, ok. I have to go to work early, I’ll take M—— to your Grandma’s for the day so you can work.”

“Ok, thanks. I won’t see you tomorrow because I have to be here at 4 till close.”

“I’ll come by and see you when I get off work, do you want me to pick you up any thing for dinner?”

“No. Anyway I have to go, I need to get this work done so I can get some sleep.”

why am I doing this?

Tuesday, August 7th, 2001

Well since one of the main reasons for this web-site is to keep an online journal, I should probably start with a little background info. First off if you have not guessed already my name is Brian Jeffery Beggerly. I am 23 years old and about to head off to England to attend The City University of London for my last year of college.

The road to England has been a long and interesting one. The original idea goes way back to a childhood dream about attending school at Oxford. When I graduated high school (Albemarle High in Charlottesville, Virginia) I had no real plan. I attended Piedmont Virginia Community College, and took classes at the University of Virginia. Between the two schools, I attend full time for about a year. During that year I was also involved in a relationship with a girl I had first meet in high school. Teresa was the first time I was involved in a relationship where I thought about the future. Up till her my girlfriends, both long and short term where really no more than friends. But when Teresa and I began to get involved I took the relationship more seriously, because of M——.

M—— was Teresa’s son, he was six months old when I meet Teresa and almost a year when we began to seriously date. From nearly the fist time I meet M—— he called me ‘dada.’ I think, looking back, that my relationship with Teresa would not have gone on for long except for M——. I look back and can see that it was the feelings I had for M——, for being M——s ‘dada’ that caused me to pursue the relationship to the level I did.

Anyway, after about a year of dating Teresa and M—— moved in with me, into my parents house (that was a little weird, but my mother is way too nice). Once they where in my house, I became more of a father to M—— and took fewer classes so I could work full time (at Glenmore Country Club, but those are stories for another day.)

Late that year Teresa and I decided to get an apartment. After much looking around and debating we finally signed a lease in late October. Between the time we signed the lease and the date we were scheduled to move in, December 2, I quit my job at Glenmore. During November as we shopped for furnishings, for the apartment, and I looked for a job, Teresa worked long hours, and we got in many quarrels, mostly about stupid things, especially money. I finally settled on a job at Wal-Mart as seasonal help because I could not find another job cooking at a nice place.