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walking forward, looking back

June 6th, 2003

Well, it’s a year ago today that I left London and came back the Virginia. In some ways the year has gone by really fast. In other ways it has crawled by at a snails pace. In the most important way it has crawled by — It’s been a year since I saw Cristina. That’s way to long. And there is nothing I can do about it right now. I hope I can pull together enough cash to go see her over the summer, but I don’t know because airline tickets have gone up in price. I still really wish I could find some way to go back to Europe — not only to be with Cristina but because I would like to live there for a few more years while I am still in my twenties. To emerge myself in another culture totally as part of that culture, not as a visitor. Even being in England and traveling around Europe for a long as I was there was still the “i’m visiting, I go back to the US in X months/weeks/days.” I would like to be there and not have that, to say, I live here. I feel like the last time I was truly happy was when I was broke walking around London, counting the pounds in my wallet to know if I could take the Tube or not. Maybe I’m just romancing it but… I guess I need to stop living in the past and get on with it. I don’t like living in the past, I think people do it way too much, but when it’s quiet and I’m not busy that’s where my thoughs go, to Islington, Angel, and The City. To the Tube, St. Pauls, and Tower Bridge. To pubs, khebab vans, and fish and chip shops. I have not found anything here to fill the void left by leaving London. I have picked up my life several times — for good and for bad reasons, and started over and it always takes a long time to rebuild. It’s never easy and it’s depressing. I’m happy with who I am, I’m happy with my job, I just wish I was closer to the people I love. Mostly to Cristina but also I wish Andrew and Sherman where here, and I wish I got to see and hang out with Stephen and Jonathan more. Ok. Enough…. I just need to keep moving forward fixing the things I can and not worrying about those I cannot.

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