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why does it stress me?

January 25th, 2004

I’m reading this book — Prague — right now. It’s very good, Stephen got it for me, good choice. And I did not get him anything for Christmas. It’s a good book, in the way The Age of Reason was — not as good, but having the same sort of effect on my psyche.

I hope it has an effect, some sort of good effect. I’ve fallen into an emotional slump. I’m fairly happy most of the time but it does not take much to annoy me and put me in a foul mood. At work the slightest thing goes wrong and I am immediately in the every-other-word-is-a-cuss-word mode. Partly it’s because of dealing with one of our customers and one of or product suppliers is grinding on my nerves (though thats not a valid excuse because things like that do not usually bother me much — defiantly don’t put me in a permanently foul mood.)

But that’s not all of it, and not even the main thing. I had hoped that going to the gym would reduce my stress — I did not used to be very stressed. I think no, I’m fairly sure that my stress level and has been rising, though ‘stress’ is not really the right word for it, since I got back from England a year and a half ago.

I think the root cause of it is personal loneliness. It started because I missed Cristina when I came back, but lately has been transformed into a much more general feeling of emotional loneliness. I miss Cristina but I also miss Carolyn and Megan and so forth. I miss just having a girlfriend, I miss the emotions and the closeness. I miss something that I don’t have. The rest of my life — my friends, my job, etcetera, could be better only by dream-come-true changes and I am feeling more unhappy sometimes than I have in a long time. Carolyn would tell me I’m never happy and always bitch about my life. And she would be right…

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