confusion

Saturday night while sitting in Xando’s on the corner of R St. and 20th with C██████ and some of her friends I saw it [www.segway.com]! It was going up the other side of Connecticut avenue. Someone must have a lot of extra money—or no (un)common sense!

Thursday, the twelfth of June, was the three year anniversary of C██████ and I meeting. I wanted to post something here on the twelfth about it, but I could not figure out what it was I wanted to say. Basically it all comes down to saying ‘thank you.’ Thank you for more than I can say. With out the love and friendship of C██████ over the past three years I would not be who I am today and I would be worlds away from where I am. I would not have gone to Europe, I would not have C███████ today, I don’t know where I would be but I don’t think it would have been as close to where I truly want to be as I am today. Thank you for everything, happy birthday, congratulations to you and Sebastian, congratulations on graduating, good luck in Germany. I will always cherish the times we had together—good and bad. And you will always have my love and friendship. If you ever need anything don’t hesitate to ask. I can never repay you for what you gave me.

I started writing this entry this morning at work, but got sidetracked by work—bet you didn’t see that one coming. It’s not really done, but I’m to lazy to go back and fix the flow and flesh out the rest of the thoughts… maybe it will make since, if not, sorry.

So the Toni Awards where given out the other day and Hairspray won for best score. No big deal, but the two guys who won it happen to be gay—not a shocker in the theater world, what has people cheering or jeering is the fact that the two of them kissed on stage, in prime time, on live tv. (found this story [www.guardian.co.uk] in the Guardian a UK paper.)

Mr Shaiman turned to Mr Wittman and said: “I love this man. We’re not allowed to get married in this world … But I’d like to declare, in front of all these people, I love you and I’d like to live with you the rest of my life.”

As a tangent the story mentions a recent backlash against gays and lesbians:

John Ashcroft, the US attorney general, banned an established gay pride event at the justice department. In April, a Pennsylvania senator, Rick Santorum, linked homosexuality to bigamy, polygamy, and incest.

Now the second comment we can throw out as a standard ‘I get a strange feeling in my tummy when I talk about gays’ textbook Christian comment. (though I would be interested to know the number of gays who become Mormon polygamist or West Virginians who are gay?) But John Ashcroft should be sued by the ACLU over banning a pride event at the DOJ. Personally I am against all ‘special interest group’ recognition days/weeks/months and such—I think it points out the differences and polarizes society because too many people cannot look beyond those differences once they are pointed out. However I have no doubt that John Ashcroft will not be banning any ‘black history month’ activities at the DOJ (political suicide) and there is no fundamental difference between black Americans celebrating being black and gay Americans celebrating being gay. John Ashcroft should be forced to set down for being a bigoted chauvinist.

What is it that people are so afraid of? What is it that two consenting adult people do together in their own home that scares so many people? Why do we hold on so tightly to our Judaic-Christian
fourth century b.c.e ethics? I just don’t understand. Somehow sodomy is so bad to Christians that they can conveniently forget about ‘brotherly love’ and acceptance. They can even kill? I thought there was a commandment against that.

I like this line:

Same sex kissing is not unheard of on US TV. The first, most memorable kiss was on LA Law in 1992 by Amanda Donohoe and Michele Greene. Roseanne, Ellen, Ally McBeal, Friends, ER, and Spin City followed suit. Gay male affection is far more rare.

No shit. That’s because guys love to watch girls kiss… so it’s more socially acceptable to be a homosexual woman. Even the fat, white, Christian men or greasy, redneck, white trash who make all the noise about gays like to see two women go at it.

Congratulations to R█████ on his getting hitched this weekend. And I’m sorry I did not make it to the wedding…

Well, it’s a year ago today that I left London and came back the Virginia. In some ways the year has gone by really fast. In other ways it has crawled by at a snails pace. In the most important way it has crawled by—It’s been a year since I saw C███████. That’s way to long. And there is nothing I can do about it right now. I hope I can pull together enough cash to go see her over the summer, but I don’t know because airline tickets have gone up in price. I still really wish I could find some way to go back to Europe—not only to be with C███████ but because I would like to live there for a few more years while I am still in my twenties. To emerge myself in another culture totally as part of that culture, not as a visitor. Even being in England and traveling around Europe for a long as I was there was still the “i’m visiting, I go back to the US in X months/weeks/days.” I would like to be there and not have that, to say, I live here. I feel like the last time I was truly happy was when I was broke walking around London, counting the pounds in my wallet to know if I could take the Tube or not. Maybe I’m just romancing it but… I guess I need to stop living in the past and get on with it. I don’t like living in the past, I think people do it way too much, but when it’s quiet and I’m not busy that’s where my thoughs go, to Islington, Angel, and The City. To the Tube, St. Pauls, and Tower Bridge. To pubs, khebab vans, and fish and chip shops. I have not found anything here to fill the void left by leaving London. I have picked up my life several times—for good and for bad reasons, and started over and it always takes a long time to rebuild. It’s never easy and it’s depressing. I’m happy with who I am, I’m happy with my job, I just wish I was closer to the people I love. Mostly to C███████ but also I wish A—– and Sherman where here, and I wish I got to see and hang out with S██████ and J███████ more. Ok. Enough…. I just need to keep moving forward fixing the things I can and not worrying about those I cannot.