no one to talk to

It’s Friday night and I am alone in my apartment. Since I have no one to talk to I think I will just keep updating my journal so here is some random rambling:

First of all: I have found out that my computer is in dire need of a bulk update. All the software on my Linux box is old. Not ancient but old. The best sign of this is that I am using Mozilla 0.9.3 and they are one release 1.2.1 (if you don’t use Mozilla then I should mention that they release upgrades slowly and my version was released in the fall of 2000!) In fact my Linux install (RedHat 7.0) is so old that most of the new stuff I want will not compile and I am too lazy to go and download all the updates—one day I’ll just go get a newer version of Linux, time I paid for a real version again I have not done that since the end of last century (literally it was October of 1999!)

Ok, enough geeking out. Second thing: I don’t remember what the second thing was.

Third thing: a cool quote from Piro over at Megatokyo—”Humans love to categorize and organize things. We break up time into hours, days and years. Everything has to have a name, a history, an understanding of it’s origins and must be indexed somewhere on Google. ” You have to love the reference to Google. Or maybe you have to be a geek to love it that much.

Fourth thing: Depression sucks! Let me qualify that. My life is not that bad. I have a Girlfriend, a job, and some great friends. But right now I am just depressed. Partly because it is December and December and January have not, historically speaking, been good months for me. Let’s just say that things happened during these months in recent years and in more distant years that hurt, a lot. Also the holidays themselves are depressing to me as I have never really had a good family holiday life and it is worse because I see so many people who do, and I wish I could know what that feels like. On top of all this I am depressed because I will not get to see my girlfriend at all during the holidays. Which is really depressing—I have not seen her is six months and have no idea when I will see her next. Add to this a dose of seasonal depression caused by getting to work before the sun is up and getting home after the sun sets. And finally my utter and complete lack of enthusiasm for work because I sit at work all day staring off into nothingness because I have nothing to do. The end result of all this is I am just depressed right now.

Last thing for now: Marriage. I don’t understand. Everyone I know is engaged or married—and they are all younger than I am. I think there must be something wrong with me. I want to get married. I want to have a family, a wife and kids. But I don’t know. There have been times when I was dating people and thought, “I would like to spend the rest of my life with this person.” But there was always things in the back of my head which tempered any impulse to run to Tiffany’s and buy a diamond—things like “I need to finish school first” or “I know they are not ready” or “I need to wait, to make sure.” Sometimes I wonder what I do wrong in relationships, I think I push people away somehow, smother their personality or lose my own. I don’t know what I do wrong but sometimes I think I will go through life from one relationship to another, never marry, never have the family I want. Maybe it’s just a symptom of my depression but it adds to my depression.

Enough wallowing in self-pity, the new version of Mozilla is done downloading. Now I’m off to install it.