a kiss…

Last Saturday there was a kiss. It was brought on by someone being very intoxicated and someone else egging them on with a dare. I told him to fuck off when he dared her to do it. He laughed at me. He knows that I like her so I don’t quite understand why he would do it. He should be encouraging me to look elsewhere, especially as he works for the same company, not making it harder to ignore my attraction to her.

When she climbed into my lap I should have pushed her away, but I didn’t. When she started to kiss me I should have turned away, but I didn’t. No, I enjoyed the kiss. It lasted over a minute and was not just a kiss but was really a kiss. Her hands in my hair and mine around her waist, her back arched, pushing against me. She kissed my cheek and neck. I should have pushed her away but I kissed her back.

I have not been able to think about much else in my spare moments alone since them. Some of my coworkers have said I should just go after her, others tell me that an office relationship is always a bad idea. I see both sides and it’s all I can think about. But then someone told me she said she enjoyed it that night.

I talked with her today about it. She did not remember the kiss. Too much alcohol I guess. Someone told her. One more reason I should not attach too much meaning to what happened. She told me I should be better off liking the other girl who was with us that night. I told her that logic plays no part in who I like.

I got my mind off of all this a bit by having lunch with C███████ yesterday. But afterwards I was reminded how much I miss her and how much I miss having someone in my life. I think I still have feelings for C███████, most likely because of the way our relationship ended. I just needed to see her and see her as a friend again and not a girlfriend. She is happy, in a relationship with someone for some time now. I wish her the best with him but can’t help but wonder what could have happened.

It’s just more drama in my life. I don’t know what to do. I will have to just play it as it comes. I don’t think anything will come of all this. Eventually the feelings will go away or I will go away. Either way I’ll move on.