confusion

It’s Friday night and I am alone in my apartment. Since I have no one to talk to I think I will just keep updating my journal so here is some random rambling:

First of all: I have found out that my computer is in dire need of a bulk update. All the software on my Linux box is old. Not ancient but old. The best sign of this is that I am using Mozilla 0.9.3 and they are one release 1.2.1 (if you don’t use Mozilla then I should mention that they release upgrades slowly and my version was released in the fall of 2000!) In fact my Linux install (RedHat 7.0) is so old that most of the new stuff I want will not compile and I am too lazy to go and download all the updates—one day I’ll just go get a newer version of Linux, time I paid for a real version again I have not done that since the end of last century (literally it was October of 1999!)

Ok, enough geeking out. Second thing: I don’t remember what the second thing was.

Third thing: a cool quote from Piro over at Megatokyo—”Humans love to categorize and organize things. We break up time into hours, days and years. Everything has to have a name, a history, an understanding of it’s origins and must be indexed somewhere on Google. ” You have to love the reference to Google. Or maybe you have to be a geek to love it that much.

Fourth thing: Depression sucks! Let me qualify that. My life is not that bad. I have a Girlfriend, a job, and some great friends. But right now I am just depressed. Partly because it is December and December and January have not, historically speaking, been good months for me. Let’s just say that things happened during these months in recent years and in more distant years that hurt, a lot. Also the holidays themselves are depressing to me as I have never really had a good family holiday life and it is worse because I see so many people who do, and I wish I could know what that feels like. On top of all this I am depressed because I will not get to see my girlfriend at all during the holidays. Which is really depressing—I have not seen her is six months and have no idea when I will see her next. Add to this a dose of seasonal depression caused by getting to work before the sun is up and getting home after the sun sets. And finally my utter and complete lack of enthusiasm for work because I sit at work all day staring off into nothingness because I have nothing to do. The end result of all this is I am just depressed right now.

Last thing for now: Marriage. I don’t understand. Everyone I know is engaged or married—and they are all younger than I am. I think there must be something wrong with me. I want to get married. I want to have a family, a wife and kids. But I don’t know. There have been times when I was dating people and thought, “I would like to spend the rest of my life with this person.” But there was always things in the back of my head which tempered any impulse to run to Tiffany’s and buy a diamond—things like “I need to finish school first” or “I know they are not ready” or “I need to wait, to make sure.” Sometimes I wonder what I do wrong in relationships, I think I push people away somehow, smother their personality or lose my own. I don’t know what I do wrong but sometimes I think I will go through life from one relationship to another, never marry, never have the family I want. Maybe it’s just a symptom of my depression but it adds to my depression.

Enough wallowing in self-pity, the new version of Mozilla is done downloading. Now I’m off to install it.

The Ministry of Sound just announced that they are going to move Nelson’s Column To The Millennium Dome for their New Years Eve party. Now just in case you did not know Nelson’s Column has been in Trafalgar Square since 1843 and it is 165 feet tall (the Dome is 172 feet at it’s highest interior point so it’s a tight fit.) Now if this was any country but Britain and a night club asked to use a Laser cutter to disassemble a national monument, move it across town, reassemble it inside a stadium for a 15 hour party then move it back; the government would say “you are kidding aren’t you?” But not in Britain—they agreed! I have this sadistic hope that the thing is permanently messed up by all this, or even that it falls over while they are trying to put the pieces back together! Who in the government thought this was a good idea? And why?

Go here to read more…

Ok, so I tried to go to DMV today to register my car in DC. No go. The DMV in Georgetown does not no that. So they sent me to 301 C st. But they told me I needed insurance in DC, the Virginia stuff will not work, and I needed to have the car inspected first. So now I have to get up tomorrow and get the car inspected and get insurance. I spent most of my Friday afternoon dealing with this and in the process I got a ticket! F’en DMV. I also had to pay parking at the Georgetown site – $4.00 for ten minutes to be told, “we don’t do that here…” F’en DMV!

That’s really funny when you remember that ‘berliner’ is also the word for a jelly doughnut. The title is from the Bild—a German newspaper who where running a story on a very disturbing murder case in Germany — go here for the Reuters story. But you should probably read it on an empty stomach—it’s gory, disgusting, disturbing and oh, so wrong. It’s like “Citizen X” meets “Hannibal.”

I found out the other day that a person I have know since I was two has cancer. Now I am not great friends with this person, we don’t keep in touch—but we know each other and are friendly when we meet. I found out through her mother that she has cervical cancer, and she apparently has had it for about a year, during which time she kept it a secret and would not let the doctors treat it.

I have dealt with death before—to many times, but every time it is like the first. This is a strange case because the person involved is not someone I see on a regular basis but I know in the back of my head that it is going to happen. And it’s not going to be a painless, passing in the night kind of death, it’s going to be a long, drawn-out painful fade into non-life.

The things that scare me the most about this whole deal; 1) she is a nursing student it’s not as if she does not know what she is setting herself up for by not accepting treatment. 2) She has two children who she is very devoted to—you would think that she would do everything she could to fight for their sakes. 3) she is six months older than me.