confusion

Time makes a wound seam more distant… not smaller. This week is the 5th anniversary of T█████- taking M██████ away from me—something I still think about, something that still hurts. I am still haunted by the sound of “dada” sometimes late at night when I am alone.

I dropped my cell phone today in the snow. I had gone out walking while it was snowing, took some pictures and just wondered around in the winter wonderland. When I got back to my apartment I signed on to instant messenger and Beaner im’ed me and said, “I know where you phone is.” “Oh, where is that,” I asked. “In Adams Morgan.” “Really.” “You dropped it, and the guy who picked it up answered when I called you. He’s looking for you.”

Best I can figure is I dropped it when I reached to get my keys off my belt loop, I had to pull my coat up to do it and it must have pulled the phone up off my belt. Had to have happened right before I got to my building because the guy who picked it up lives in the building next door. He saw me drop the phone but could not get to me fast enough. When J███████ called he was on his way out of DC. So I called the guy and have made arrangements to get the phone back from him tomorrow night.

Of all the people in DC it’s completely random that I dropped the phone while a guy who lives in the building next door was looking on. It’s cool that the guy is nice enough to trouble himself. Nice to know that there are still good people in the world. I’ll have to take this guy out for a drink or something.

Ok, I can’t seam to get my pinky toe and the one next to it to stay crossed, but I’m trying to keep all my fingers and toes crossed —so it better snow tonight. It’s not even that I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I just want snow. It never really snows in Virginia anymore—the last time it snowed was in 1996 I think. Ever since then we’ve been lucky to get a dusting. I love the snow. Thinking about the snow today reminded me of last December—snow in Greece, snow in Denmark, snow in Amsterdam—hell it even snowed in London! May I miss being in Europe!

They have called for snow two or three times in the past few weeks and when the time comes it does not even freeze! Weather men (excuse my non-PC terminology!) must be the only people who can continually be just plain bad at their jobs and people still listen to them and they seem to remain gainfully employed!

I love the snow—I get giddy like some 10 year old kid and all I want to do is go out stomp around in the snow. I went to NYC a few years ago with some friends and it snowed 14 inches—I drug my friends from one end of Broadway to the other and back. It was glorious! The snow was coming down so thick that in Time Square you could not see from one end to the other—but the glow from the neon illuminated everything with an eerie soft ambiance, and it was dead quite—like some scene in a movie where the characters all feel the magic in the air. I love snow!

I think I need to read me some Dali Lama or something… I seam to be getting to easily upset lately. Don’t really know why, but I get bent out of shape at stupid little things for no reason. I got really pissed off at work the other day after a meeting. I don’t usually get mad (only at my family!) I think the lack of work at work, lack of spending money, and missing C███████ all are contributing to my general ill mood some days. So I think I will read A Policy of Kindness by the Dali Lama—that seams to clear my mind and make me more relaxed and less stressed about stuff.

Anyway, basically I just need to relax and remember that worrying and stressing only cause more worrying and stressing and that takes all the fun out of life! If you can fix it—fix it! If you can’t—stop worrying, it won’t do anything but make you miserable!

Very lonely turkey day. Sitting at home all day alone. Everyone I know is at home with their families—not that I really have that much inclination to be sitting around the dinner table with my family but at least I would not be alone. It’s really my own fault; I think that if I had called up the Mische’s and talk to them I would have been invited to dinner. But every time I called them in the afternoons when I got home they where not there. I could have left a message on their answering machine but I kept saying, “no, I’ll just call back.” And human nature being what it is, I would not call later that night, and the same thing would happen a few days later when I did call back. J███████ and K██ are at her parents house, S██████ is doing the family thing all the way to New Jersey, I have not heard from C██████, and Flugie is in Europe (otherwise I might have gone to New York for the weekend if they would have me.) And of course C███████ is in England—the highlight of my day was talking to her on messenger.

Thanksgiving is one of my three big holidays: Forth of July and New Years being the others I really enjoy. The traditional religious holidays have not really been much to me since before I was a teenager. Being agnostic I don’t get much out of them spiritually and the family aspect was less than amazing in my house. So ever since I was a teenager I have celebrated the three big secular holidays in America. Thanksgiving may seem a little out there when you consider it is supposed to be a family oriented affair, but I usually celebrate it with my friends. Though I do have dinner at home with my family—for my moms sake.

A year ago today I was in Belgium breaking the law (see this entry [confusion.cc] and this one [confusion.cc].) I really wish I was somewhere in Europe still. I went down to Xando’s this afternoon to get some coffee and all around me where people speaking in foreign languages. I heard French (from two cute little French girls laughing at whatever they where talking about,) Spanish (from a few different directions, but my Spanish is so bad that they might have been speaking Portuguese or even Icelandic—no really, it sounds like Spanish!) and I think I hear two or three other languages I cannot even place. I think the bartender was the only other one who was a native English speaker! Really makes me miss being in Europe—not to mention it makes it hit home how much of a holiday Thanksgiving is in America. Oh well, better luck next year. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there.