confusion

Hummmm. I opened a new journal entry with some idea as to what to write—and now that idea is as elusive as xanadu. Maybe I’m getting old. In any case I will be getting old in a week—or at least older as far as officail like documents are concerned. One more growth ring, though I joined a gym and am trying to remove some of the old growth rings.

The past few weeks my mood has been very manic—some days I’m happy and energetic and other I just want to be left alone—very alone. Not really sure whats up. I know that mid December to mid January are never the best of times for me. I try not to live in the past but there are a few things from this time of year that just bother me, no way to not think about them and no way to fix them. They bother me less with time but I think they will always be there in the back of my head.

Anyway, it’s a new year. Leo Buscaglia once told a story about ancient Egyptians and their version of St. Peter. That they believed that after death their answer to two questions would determine if they where to enter paradise of not. The fist; ‘did you find joy?’ and the second; ‘did you bring joy?’ Rather than waiting for the afterlife lets ask these question of the last year.

Did I find joy? Yes. There was a lot of pain in the past twelve months but overall I believe I am happier with my life than at the end of the previous twelve. Did I bring joy? I hope so. I think so. I know I brought my share of pain and anger but I hope that over all I come out as a bringer of joy.

And what of the coming year? Will I find joy? Will I bring joy? Well… One can only hope. So, happy new year.

I got the stangest IM yesterday. Well not the strangest but very weird. Anyway. I was away from my desk for a while and when I got back (mind you it was before 8am) I had an IM from Mena. It said “hey Beggs! I’m in Spain right now and I cannot find a public phone. No one is on IM. Could you call my parents and tell them I got here safely? Thanks!” She was gone by the time I got back. But I called her house and told her dad—he laughed.

Only Mena.

Maybe it’s karma that my carma (ooh bad pun!) got broken into twice this year. See when I was 17/18 my friend and I got into the habit of shoplifting things. I don’t remember how it started but we started doing it all the time. We took everything—I don’t think I payed for much other than gas for that year. We went to stores like office supply stores and got organizers, calculators, labelers. We went to video stores and got movies and video games. We took things like drills and electric screw drivers from hardware stores. We even took a camcorder and a playstation from one store.

We only came close to getting caught once– my friend was stopped by a manager and asked, I don’t remember how he asked it but it was fairly obvious he thought that my friend has pocketed something. The thing was that my friend had not pocketed anything—I had. I had like three movies in my pockets. I think my friend got stopped because he was not white.

Near the end of the year while my parents where on vacation my friends and I took all the stuff we had lifted over the past year (or what we still had) and set it out on the floor. It covered every inch of the floor in the living room. It was bad—it really was a habit. We did not even think twice about it when why did it.

We never really said ‘OK, we have to stop,’ but we stopped withing a month or so of that. For a while afterwords we still took little things now and then but that faded soon too. It just kind of stopped. Which is funny because it was that fall that I started college and got into ethics. Which would have put a stop to shoplifting anyway. Though I don’t know if I would have gotten into ethics as much as I did if it had not been for knowing how unethical I had been and how lucky I was that I did not get caught and thereby screw up my life with a criminal record.

So maybe it is karma catching up with me that my truck has been broken into twice this year and such—thought I would think I had payed for all the shoplifting back when Teresa took everything I owned… But then again I don’t really believe in karma…

Fuck. Some ass hole broke into my truck again last night and took all my cd’s, about 12, took my messenger bag, my sun glasses—$250 perscription fucking sun glasses! And they didn’t just grab shit they could see. The cd’s were all down in the door panels—you could not see them unless you were looking for them. And the they must have been looking—they emptied out my glove compartment, and the consol. They even took the coins from the change dish. It’s was like 50 cent’s in pennies and a few nickles. What the fuck?

I got thrown out of Whitlow’s last night. It was stupid—on my part. It’s not like I was even there for 10 minutes. But I was talking about a beer bottle in the refrigeratior behind the bar. I didn’t even think about it. I just opened the fridge and grabbed the bottle since there were no bartenders on the side of the bar we were on. So I pointed out the thing we where talking about and before I know it some waiter is grabbing me by the arm saying “you don’t fucking come in here and open the fridge… Let’s go. You’re gone.”

So, I don’t even know what I was thinking. And that is brain damage!